On Being a Real Mom

Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.

‘’Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.’Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘

When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.

‘’Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?

‘’It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

~Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

On March 22, 2012, I stood before a judge, with Big Papa by my side, in Gyumri, Armenia as we agreed to care for an 11-month-old baby for the rest of our lives. Once the papers were signed, I announced to the world: I’m a Mom!

Legally, I was. But many months passed before I felt I could say:  I’m a real mom.

References to real moms can be the source of great angst for many adoptive parents, when faced with (generally well-meaning) family or friends who ask: Do you know anything about her real mom?

We are fortunate that we have some  information about Baby Bird’s birth family and know the reason why she was placed for adoption. This is not true for many adoptees, particularly those who were adopted from countries outside the U.S. Our daughter will grow up knowing names of her birth parents and where they were from, and we will do our best to explain to her the circumstances which resulted in her birth family being unable raise her.

I will never forget how I felt when Big Papa and I tucked ourselves into the taxi with Baby Bird and headed south, from Gyumri to Yerevan: Oh-my-God-we-are-parents …and we are clueless. And I remember our deer-in-the-headlights fear when Baby Bird screamed at the top of her lungs while we changed our first diaper, and when we gave her a bath for the first time.

I’m sure many first-time parents experience these feelings and wonder: How are we going to do this? Am I going to be able to keep this baby alive?

We had many more unanswered questions: Will our child bond with us? Will we bond with her? What challenges might we encounter that resulted from our child being institutionalized? Did our child spend the first months of her life faced with neglect, abuse, poor nutrition? Did her birth-mother smoke, drink, do drugs? How will we form our new family and honor our child’s culture while creating new traditions to share?

Now, a year later, we have a few answers to some of our questions and—no surprise here—we now have many new unanswered questions. Ah, parenthood.

I’ll be honest, our first year together has not been easy (not that anyone’s first year of parenthood ever is), but as Big Papa said to me: We are doing it. However imperfectly we muddle along, we are doing it.

So when someone asks me: Do you know anything about her real mom, I will say: Yes, I do. I see her every morning when I look in the mirror.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there

—-no matter how you got there.

Take the road less traveled,

Beth

Source: http://wanderlustandlipstick.com/

Realistic Expectations The First Year Home

Congratulations! Welcome to the journey of being an adoptive parent. As you get to know your child, you will realize what you don’t know! But not to worry, you aren’t alone. Take time to learn the skills to parent YOUR child. Connect with others who have similar experiences. Make time for yourself. The following articles were complied as a great starting point for your education as a new adoptive parent

• A Different Perspective By Cynthia Hockman-Chupp
• Strategies for Building Attachment By Karleen Gribble, BRurSc, PhD,
• Top Ten Tips for Successful First Year Parenting By Deborah Gray, MSW, MPA
• Why Grandma Can’t Pick Up the Baby By Sheena Macrae and Karleen Gribble
• What is This Thing You Call Sleep? By Dr Julian Davies, MD
• Transitional Feeding Difficulties By Dr Julian Davies, MD
• Alone No More…Recognizing Post Adoption Depression By Heatherly Bucher
• Adding The Oldest By Terra Trevor
• Creating a Fit By Carrie Kitze
• “When Do You Tell a Child he was Adopted?” And Other Secrets We Shouldn’t Keep By Adam Pertman
• Unexpected Special Needs By Nancy Hemenway
• Positive Outcome: How Can You Combat the Effects of an Orphanage  By Mary Beth Williams, PhD, LCSW, CTS
• The Impact of Trauma on the Adopted Child By B. Bryan Post
• Ten Keys to Healing Trauma in the Adopted Child By B. Bryan Post
• How to Find a Therapist Experienced in Attachment and/or Trauma tips from the Attachment & Trauma Network
• Sensory Integration And the Internationally Adopted Child By Barbara Elleman, MHS, OTR/L, BCP
• Facts About Parenting a Child with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder By Teressa Kellerman
• How to Avoid the Syndrome of Parent Burn-Out by Harriet McCarthy
• Being an Ally to Families Raising Children with Challenges By Ellin Frank
• Help Your Child Ward Off a Mad Attack by Lynne Namke, EdD
• Being with Your Child in Public Places by Patty Wipfler
• Strategies to Deal with Anger and Power Struggles By Christopher J. Alexander, PhD
• When Adoptions Fail By Kim Phagan-Hansel

Read more (PDF)

Expert Q&A Webinar: Parenting in Transracial Adoption – April 10

Register now for next week’s FREE expert Q&A webinar

Expert Q&A: Parenting in Transracial Adoption

with Deborah H. Johnson

April 10, 2013 @ 1 pm EDT

Parents who adopt a child of a different race may wonder what life will be like as a conspicuous family, how to teach their child about his birth culture, how to find role models of their child’s race, what resources exist for multiracial families, how to deal with and prepare their child for racism, and more. Join transracial adoption expert Deborah H. Johnson to ask any questions you have. The Expert Q&A Webinar: Parenting in Transracial Adoption will take place on Wednesday, April 10, 2013 from 1pm to 2pm EDT (12pm-1pm CDT; 11am-12pm MDT; 10am-11am PDT).

Don’t want to forget your question? Submit it in advance here.

Can’t attend the webinar? We’ll post a recording here after the session.

Raising Global Children Day 1: “Traveling” to Morocco through the five senses with Stephanie Meade

March 25, 2013 | plushkies.com

Welcome to Day 1 of our blog post series “Raising Global Children: 10 Multicultural Blogger Moms Show Us How It’s Done”.

The purpose of the series is to learn with these 10 multicultural moms who are raising children to be global citizens and to connect to the broader worldwide community of parents and educators who care about this same thing.

Today, as the first day of the series, we are interviewing Stephanie Meade who is the Founder & Editor in Chief of “InCultureParent”, an online magazine for parents raising little global citizens. Stephanie, born in the US, and her husband, who is from Morocco, are raising their two bicultural daughters to be bilingual in English and Arabic, and have introduced some Spanish and French to them as well

1. What inspired you to start InCultureParent? How do you come up with content for the site?

It hit me one night after having my second daughter that the types of things I was googling (“are bilingual children late speakers,” “celebrating two religions in your home”) probably weren’t unique to my Moroccan-American, bilingual household. Multicultural families are found all over the world and our numbers are growing. I realized there was no parenting website at that time that brought together different cultural perspectives on raising children, provided resources for raising bilingual kids as well as explored topics of faith (all different faiths, not solely Judaism and Christianity which you find in many American websites), and also offered multicultural book reviews, recipes, crafts and more. I wanted a really comprehensive parenting website that would have everything you needed to raise a little global citizen, and above all represent the diversity in parenting styles around the world.

As far as content, there are many writers from around the globe who write for the site. And we are always on the lookout for new perspectives. It probably also helps that I have lived in many different countries and have friends all over the world, many of whom have contributed content to InCultureParent!

2. Why do you think it is important for parents to raise global citizens?

We live in a world that is globalized where everything we do has a global footprint, from the very basic—like the things we wear to the food we eat, to the more experiential—the people we meet and the activities we engage in.  So to me, it’s not so much that raising a global citizen is important, I see it is the only way forward for our children if we want them to understand the world they are growing up in. Being able to understand other cultures and different perspectives, or at least be open to learning if a culture is new and different to them, is a critical part of this. Another key part is being able to speak multiple languages. I was raised monolingual but learned three languages as an adult (French, Spanish and Portuguese). I see how each of these languages has both given me a new way to think and allowed me to travel and make friends in so many places in the world. But I want my kids to benefit from learning a language from the time they are young. That to me is one of the most amazing gifts I can give my kids.

3. Having a bicultural family of your own, can you give us some insight on your family dynamic?

It was only this year that we realized my children thought everyone celebrated both Ramadan and Christmas! Although cute, as it reflects what we do in our family, it was a chance to talk about the many other holidays people celebrate. I think having two different cultures, religions and languages represented in our home, and that both my husband and I have lived outside our home countries, makes us more sensitive to educating our children about the world around us. As far as language goes, my husband only speaks in Arabic with the kids and I speak English. More and more I have been trying to speak some Spanish with them (I learned Spanish while living in Ecuador), as they now take Spanish in afterschool time, but my four-year-old especially resists my trying to change languages. We are trying to raise them in an atmosphere where being exposed to different cultures and languages is the norm, a daily part of life, not just an occasional experience.

We intentionally chose to live in a diverse place to raise our kids (Berkeley, CA), where there are many families from different backgrounds. My kids also celebrate holidays beyond just our own, thanks to the friends we have, which has been great.  I remember coming to work one morning last year and mentioned to a colleague that we were at a Rosh Hashanah dinner until late. He took a moment to process it, as a month or so before we had been celebrating Ramadan. He asked jokingly, “Aren’t those kids of yours going to be confused?” On the contrary, we think they’ll be forever enriched.

4. Are bicultural families growing? Are there any challenges? Any advice for those raising bicultural families of their own?

I think there have always been loads of bicultural families across the world, they are just not very prevalent in mainstream media. I have interviewed many families from different generations across the world as part of my series on Real Intercultural Families. I think it’s important to give more visibility to these types of families as we are so infrequently seen in media, but we are everywhere! And our numbers are also growing. Intercultural marriage is on the rise, as are mixed race children. And as far as language, just in the U.S., one in five children now speak a language other than English at home—it’s very exciting!

I think one of the challenges can be learning to accept and incorporate all aspects (not just the ones you like) of your partner’s culture into your home—this includes your in-laws, who in many cases may have very different beliefs about raising children. Having two religions in the house can be an additional challenge, especially in the case where a parent might be less flexible about compromising on a child’s religious upbringing. Talking through a lot of this stuff before having kids is really key. But sometimes parents’ ideas about faith can grow stronger and change after having kids. Luckily for my husband and I, we are both very flexible and talked extensively about our differences in culture and religion before raising kids. For us personally, this has not been a challenge.

As far as advice goes, well, what works for one family may not work for another as everyone has their own beliefs and ideas. But something that I think is helpful is to learn about, embrace and respect each other’s cultures. In my case, that has meant not only welcoming and taking pride in Moroccan culture, but also Islam.

5. Our main audience is teachers with international students. Do you have any tips for teachers on incorporating culture and diversity into their classrooms?

There are so many fun ways to incorporate culture and diversity into the classroom! The simplest way is through multicultural books that explore the world. If you want some great suggestions, you can check out our multicultural book reviews (http://www.incultureparent.com/category/reviews/).

Another idea is to “travel” to a country through the five senses. My husband and I presented a lesson on Morocco to my daughter’s preschool class last year through the five senses. We used Moroccan tea as the main attraction, as Moroccan tea is plenty sweet so kids love it, and built the lesson around it.  It is also fun for kids to watch how the tea is poured and to drink out of small, glass cups.  Here are the fun ways we used all the senses in a lesson:

Smell: Before it was made, the kids can smell the ingredients and guess which herb is used. For Moroccan tea, it’s mint.

While the tea was cooking, we had some time to talk a little about Morocco.

Site: We located Morocco on a map and told the kids five fun facts about Morocco using pictures.

Sound: They also learned how to say, “Hello” in Arabic. And we played some Moroccan music.

Touch: We had the ingredients to make an easy treat from dates and almonds that all the kids helped to create. Alternatively, you could have the kids make a craft to celebrate an upcoming holiday or any aspect of a culture. We have tons of ideas in our crafts section (http://www.incultureparent.com/category/crafts), which I know teachers have used so have a look!

Taste: Once the tea and sweets were ready, everyone was able to eat and drink together communally, a big part of Moroccan culture, with the music on in the background.

20 Questions Kids Ask About Adoption

by AF Editors | adoptivefamilies.com

Your child has questions about babies, birthmothers, and the way he joined your family. Now, you have the answers.

Children ask questions to figure out the world. If a child’s family was formed by adoption, much of her curiosity will center on birthmothers, babies, and the reasons adoption plans are made. We’ve compiled 20 of the most frequently asked questions, from the preschooler’s "Did I grow in your tummy?" to the more complex queries preteens and teens may voice, along with sound responses suggested by experts and other parents over the years. As you talk to your child, adapt the sample language to fit your family’s circumstances. Let the Q&A session begin!

1. "Did I grow in your tummy?"

"No, you didn’t grow in my tummy. You grew in your birthmother’s tummy, and then you were born. When your birthmother and birthfather were expecting you, they knew that they couldn’t take care of any baby at that time. Your birthmother found us, and we became your parents. I’m so happy that we are! That is called adoption."

Although very young children can’t yet understand reproduction, it’s important to introduce the birthfather from your earliest conversations. Your child also needs to understand that she was born, just like any other baby. Some parents skip that step, saying, "No, you didn’t grow in my tummy. We adopted you!" This leads the child to believe "I wasn’t born, I was adopted."

2. "Why didn’t my birthparents keep me?"

"Sometimes when a man and a woman have a baby, they cannot take care of any child at that time. It’s never because of anything wrong about the child. It’s for grownup reasons. Babies need a lot of care, day and night. They need healthy food, a warm place to sleep, to be cared for when they’re sick, and to have grownups hold them when they cry. Your birthparents knew they couldn’t provide all of these things, so they looked for a family that could."

3. "Was my birthmommy sad?"

"Your birthmother was sad to say goodbye, but she knew she couldn’t take care of you and provide all the things babies need. She was happy that she was doing her best for you by finding our family to adopt you. She had both sad and happy tears."

Hearing directly from their birthparents can help children. If you don’t remain in contact but were with your child’s birthmother at the hospital or court, tell your child what she said. If you have a letter your child’s birthmother wrote, share it with him.

An Adoption Game Show

"The other night, I was on a game show. It took place in my daughter’s bed, during my children’s bedtime. I was the only contestant, and I had to respond to rapid-fire questions from the three hosts. Luckily, there were no wrong answers, as every time I answered a question, one of the hosts (who were also the audience members) cheered, ‘Yes!’"
Read This Article

4. "I wish I had grown in your tummy."

"You sound sad about that. That’s OK. Sometimes I wish you had grown in my tummy, too, but I feel as close to you as if you had. I love you so much."

Don’t be alarmed if your child displays sadness when she first begins to process adoption. In the preschool years, children want nothing more than to be as close as possible to their mothers. Some sadness, or even anger, is a normal reaction, and a way for a very young child to express her love for you, the mother she knows and loves.

5. "Why did you adopt me?"

"Daddy and I couldn’t make a baby, but we wanted a baby to love very much. You were born from your birthmother’s tummy, but she couldn’t take care of any baby at that time. You were ready for a mommy and daddy, and we were ready for you. So we adopted you and became a forever family."

6. "How do birthmommies make babies?"

"It takes a man and a woman to make a baby. Your birthfather’s sperm and your birthmother’s egg combined inside her uterus to form an embryo. The embryo grows inside the woman, who then gives birth to the baby. You were born the same way any other baby is born. Some babies always live with the people who give birth to them, like your friend, _____, but others go to new parents, like you. That’s called adoption."

7. "What happened the day I was born?"

"When your birthmother knew it was almost time for you to be born, she called us and we rushed to the hospital. We got there in time to be in the delivery room! We watched you being born and we held you as soon as the doctor delivered you. Your birthmother held you and said you were beautiful. You were always with us, your birthmother, or a nurse when you were in the hospital; you were never alone there."

If you have a photo from that day, show it to your child. Say something like "Here you are with Ellen on the day you were born." If you don’t have any information about your child’s birth, you can explain what conditions were probably like where he was born.

8. "Was I a bad baby? Did I cry too much?"

"No. All babies are supposed to cry. That’s how they tell us that they’re hungry or tired or need to be changed. And adoption is never the child’s fault. Adoption plans are made for grownup reasons, usually because the baby’s birthparents can’t take care of the baby and provide what he or she needs."

9. "What does my birthmother look like?"

If you have a picture, show it to your child. If you don’t, but have met her, describe what she looked like. If you don’t know, you can say, "She probably looks a lot like you, so she must be very beautiful." Together, imagine what she might look like, or invite your child to draw a picture.

10. "I wish I could ask my birthmother _____."

"I’m going to write a letter to your birthmother next week. Do you want me to include that question, or do you want to write your own letter to send with mine?" [Or, if you’re not in touch with your child's birthmother] "Why don’t you write to your birthmother and ask her that question, and any others on your mind? We can send the letter to your adoption agency. They may not know where she is, so she may not get the letter, but if they do know where she is, I’m sure she’d be glad to hear from you."

11. "Maybe my birthmother was a princess."

"That’s exciting to imagine, isn’t it? But there aren’t many princesses in North Dakota, so I think she’s probably like most people, working hard at a job."

Many children, not just those who were adopted, fantasize about an alternate set of "perfect" parents. Encourage your child to talk about these fantasies, but present the concrete information you have about her birthparents.

12. "Why is my skin brown and your skin pink?"

"You were born to birthparents [or to a woman] who have the same beautiful brown skin color as yours. I was born to Grandma and Grandpa, who have the same skin color as mine. We usually inherit our skin color, hair color, and other traits from our biological parents. That’s why we look the way we do."

Rather than try to smooth over differences and strike a color-blind attitude, acknowledge the differences within your family, and let your child know that you love the way she looks.

13. "Why couldn’t someone teach my birthmommy how to be a mommy?"

"Some women are not ready to be mommies, and they want their child to be with another mommy who is ready. Your birthmommy was wise enough to know that she was not ready to be a mom, so she made the decision to have someone else raise you."

14. "If you were my birthmother, would you have kept me?"

"Wow, that is a big question…. Your birthmom had to make a very difficult decision that I will never have to make. You are my son and we are a family, and nothing will ever change that."

15. "Do I have any brothers or sisters?"

"You have birth siblings. When you were born, your birthmother had two older boys. Those boys were in school and could take care of some things for themselves, but a baby needs much more care. Your birthmom knew she couldn’t care for a baby at that time in her life, so she made a plan to find a family who would be able to take care of you forever." If you don’t know, say so: "I don’t know, but you might have birth siblings. Many birthparents have other children, born either before or after making an adoption plan."

16. "Now that Ellen is married, will I go back to live with her?"

"No. I know that, when we’ve talked about adoption before, I said that Ellen made an adoption plan for you because she was young and didn’t have anyone to help her take care of a baby. But when we adopted you, we became your family forever. Dad and I will always be your parents, even when you’re a grownup."

You might show your child her adoption decree or a photo taken the day her adoption was finalized in court.

17. "Why is Ellen going to be this baby’s mommy but not mine?"

"It must hurt to think about your birthmom raising other children. Sometimes families go through hard times. It wasn’t anything you did wrong. When you were born, Ellen didn’t have anyone to help her and couldn’t take care of you. You couldn’t wait until later. You needed a safe family to help you grow up. Now Ellen is able to be this baby’s mommy." [Or, if your child has older birth siblings] "When you were born, Ellen was just able to provide for her other children, but she knew that there wasn’t enough food for one more baby. She wanted you to have a forever family to take good care of you."

18. "Why won’t this baby be my baby sister?" [If an adoption match falls through]

"In order for a family to adopt a baby, the birthmother has to decide that she isn’t able or ready to be a mommy. Your birthmother felt that way, and that’s why we adopted you and we’re your forever family. This baby’s mother decided that she was ready to be a mommy, so the baby doesn’t need to be adopted. We will wait for another baby to be your baby brother or sister."

19. "Did my birthparents love each other?"

"From what I understand, your birthparents were young and just beginning to explore relationships with the opposite sex. Sometimes young people become physically intimate when they’re really seeking emotional closeness. I don’t think they were involved long enough to develop that kind of closeness."

20. "My real mom would let me stay out past midnight!"

"Right now, we’re not talking about my being ‘real’ or ‘unreal,’ we’re talking about the fact that we’re not going to make your curfew any later. We can talk about my reality as a parent another time."

A day or two later, you can say, "Remember when you were upset about your curfew the other day? I know you were angry with me when you implied that I’m not your ‘real’ mother. Now that we’ve calmed down, I am wondering if there’s a question you’d like to ask me about your birthparents, or something you want to talk about. I know you think about them. What can I help you with?"

THE "HOW" OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS

The way you respond to your child’s questions can matter as much, or more, than the words you use, especially for younger children. Start talking from an early age, to get used to saying words like "adopted" and "birthmother." Here are 10 guidelines for answering adoption questions.

+ Strike the right tone. Keep your voice positive and your body relaxed. You want to let your child know that adoption is a comfortable topic for you to discuss, and that you’re happy about the way you became a family.

+ Play! This may be the easiest way for younger children to work out their feelings about adoption. Use dolls or other props. You can introduce a scenario (Barbie and Ken want to adopt a baby, a stuffed rabbit needs a mommy), but then follow your child’s lead.

+ Clarify exactly what your child is asking. His questions may be simpler, or more complicated, than you think, and you want to be sure you’re giving him the information that he seeks. A young child who asks, "Where did I come from?" may want to know where he was born, want to know how babies are made, or be curious about his birthparents.

+ Give yourself a chance to think. If you need a moment, repeat what your child asked. If you are still at a loss, it is OK to say, "That’s a good question. I need to think about that a little bit. Let’s talk about it after we get home, when I’m not driving the car."

+ Admit it when you don’t have the facts. If you know little or nothing about how your child became available for adoption, you can say something like "We do know that many birthmothers have to place their children for adoption for the following reasons. [Offer reasons.] Maybe this is what happened to you."

+ Give your child your full attention–or not. If you’re in the grocery store, move your cart to the side, get down to your child’s level, and make eye contact. As children grow older, some have an easier time opening up when eye contact is not necessary. "Parallel" conversations–when you"re driving in the car, walking the dog, cooking together in the kitchen–can be productive times to talk about birthparents.

+ Be prepared to move on. Even the most intense questions children ask usually involve conversations that last less than 10 minutes (though they may seem longer at the time). When your child shows signs of moving on to a new task or new topic, let that happen.

+ Revisit the conversation. Children will ask the same question, in different forms, many times over the years. If you think of something important after the fact, you can say, "Remember when you asked _____? I thought about that a little more, and I wanted to tell you…."

+ Keep the discussion age-appropriate, but never lie. Since young children don’t understand reproduction, telling them about unplanned pregnancy or rape won’t make much sense. Reveal details as your child’s understanding develops, but don’t say anything you’ll have to later contradict. Keep in mind, however, that it’s generally best to share all the information you know before the teen years, while your child will take it all matter-of-factly.

+ Drop a "pebble." If your child hasn’t asked any questions recently, try to casually start a conversation. You might say, "I often think of your birthmother on Mother’s Day; do you?" or "What do you think your birthfather looks like? I wonder if you got your long legs from him." A rule of thumb: If you can’t remember the last time you talked about adoption, you’re due for a talk.

Should Pre-Adoptive Parents Call Themselves “Expecting” Or “Paper Pregnant”?

I love it when I am forced to think out of my comfortable box, and the topic of this week’s blog did just that. Is it offensive or disrespectful to expectant woman who are considering adoption for pre-adoptive parents to refer to themselves as "expecting" or "paper pregnant"?

Often the discussion in the comment section of my blogs are more informative (and interesting) than the blog itself. On a recent blog comment, someone referred to herself as an expectant mom while she is waiting to adopt. Monika, a birth mom who blogs over at Monika’s Musings, responded: “[A]s a birth mom, I don’t like “expecting” from an adoptive mom’s perspective (hoping would be better in my opinion).” Well, we were off to the races then, with lots of thought provoking opinions from all sides.

I had not given much thought to the use of the term “expectant” or “paper pregnant” until this discussion, but afterwards it was all I thought about. Apparently I wasn’t alone. When I contacted Monika to ask if she wanted to participate in a blog discussion about this topic, she said she hadn’t been able to get it off her mind either. We agreed to enter into a dialog here, with neither of us trying to prove the other wrong or change the others mind, but with the spirit of better understanding. …

Read the full blog here.

Creating a Family Classic Podcast: Raising a Child Exposed to Alcohol or Drugs Prenatally

A common risk factor for domestic and international adoptions is potential exposure to alcohol or drugs during pregnancy. How are children affected and what is the reality of raising a child that has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Our guest is Diane Malbin, a clinical social worker and founders of FASCETS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Consultation, Education and Training Services, Inc.) a non-profit, whose mission is to educate and support people with FASD, parents and professionals.

Highlights :: Listen/Download

Creating a Family Video: Breastfeeding Your Child Born to a Surrogate or Gestational Carrier

Quote of the Day 

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. " ~ Winston Churchill

Parenting Your Adopted Child Deerly

Deer flee in an instant when frightened. One second they are calmly grazing in the forest or meadow, and the next they are darting in every direction, seeking safety. This happens when there is no real threat, for example a branch falling, and also when there is a very real danger: such as a predator or hunter. Because a deer’s world consists of very real dangers, he is vigilant, constantly on "red alert."

Deer are always wary of their environment.

Traumatized adoptees are similar to deer. They quickly enter states of "freeze", "flight", or "fight", even when there is no visible threat or demand. This phenomenon stems from their early history of abuse, neglect, institutionalization and non-consistent caretakers.

The adoptee with a history of trauma enters into their new family with an overactive stress response system. The traumatic environment is stressful! The child must worry about whether or not he will eat, be fondled, be beaten and so on. The brain is consumed with survival. In this pre-adoptive environment of chaos, the brain over-develops in the areas of fear and anxiety.

The brain is user-dependent; the repetition of experiences strengthens the brain’s pathways. Thus, early experiences have disproportionate impact on how the brain will function for the individual’s lifetime. These adoptees, upon joining their family, will enter states of "flight" or "fight" easily and often when confronted in a manner that the brain perceives as threatening. This phenomenon doesn’t just go away with enough love or time. The brain’s pathways must be re-wired over time, with consistent and long term nurturing parenting.

While chronic abuse can result in the overactivation of the stress response system, neglect can result in other problems. Neglect means that the child’s physical and psychological needs go unmet. In order for the brain and thus, the child, to develop, he needs stimulation and acknowledgement. If these elements are not provided, the basic neural pathways that were ready to grow through experiences with care givers, withers and is less responsive. Overall, the child who isn’t nurtured, may not know how to have reciprocal, affectionate interactions. Again, the brain repeats what it learns. If all it learned is to be alone in a crib, then this is the pattern the formerly neglected son or daughter may re-play.

Certainly, the furthest thing from most adoptive parents’ minds, when accepting a child into their home, is thinking about how their new son or daughter’s brain is going to respond to their caring interactions and their discipline. Yet, today’s adoptive families need to understand some "brain basics." In essence, adoptive mothers and fathers want to learn to "parent deerly." Angry reactions and lengthy time-outs, remind a child’s brain of its abusive and neglectful past.

An adopted child from an institutional setting or fostercare background will respond differently to these "normal" parenting techniques  than does a typically-developing child. For example, the formerly institutionalized child is happy in his room. He seeks to disengage from the family. When stressed, his brain wants to go into "flight."

In another example, Mom asks a simple, "Where is your backpack?" "Did you eat the last yogurt?" "Why did you take your sister’s necklace?" and the child shuts down or begins to yell! In return, Mom escalates, "I’m talking to you!" "Don’t argue with me!" Many parent readers can relate to this scenario. The problem is, your child reacts to simple questions or commands as if they are attacks. A post-institutionalized child is so hyper-vigilant and on-guard that they feel instant panic when a parent’s focus falls upon them. Their brain cannot quickly or calmly respond. This involuntary reaction can appear to a parent as obstinance, anger, ignoring of the question, and disobedience. A child is completely unaware of why he or she responds this way, and unable to correct the behavior on their own.

In order to "parent deerly", moms and dads need to leave the anger and the consequencing mentality behind. Parenting the traumatized child is about parent’s reactions. This is certainly more easily said than done! Yet, calm exchanges are essential to healing the child who experienced complex trauma prior to arrival in the adoptive family. That is, conflict sends the child deeper into flight or fight: more negative behaviors occur in these states.

Calm, cool exchanges (with a gentle voice and gestures) between the parent and child lend to less behavioral difficulties. Under these circumstances, the brain can begin to reorganize itself, and the child heals. The family has a peaceful, emotional climate.

Each parent needs to identify ways to reduce the intensity of their reactions toward their adoptive son or daughter. Tips for accomplishing this seemingly enormous task include:

• The adopted son or daughter often presents with a lengthy list of behaviors. No one can work on changing more than three at one time. Letting go of various "battles" automatically makes you a calmer parent.
• Put reminder notes for yourself in conspicuous places, "I am helping my child learn to be more calm." "I am learning to be a more peaceful parent." "I live with a deer."
• Contrived consequences aren’t all that helpful in changing the traumatized child’s behavior. He doesn’t have cause-and-effect thinking. This skill didn’t develop due to his abuse and neglect. Natural and logical consequences are the best route to forming the necessary logical pathways in your son or daughters’s brain. Natural and logical consequences are "quiet"; they occur with very little effort on the part of the parent. Again, this allows for more peaceful interactions between you and your deer-like child. It may take years (and progress is very, very slow) to see cause-and-effect develop. Be patient, be consistent.
• "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Nice, nurturing interactions will get more  (i.e., better behavior) than frustration, exasperation and fury! Lack of nurture created the problems in the first place. Providing nurture solves many day-to-day behavioral dilemmas. Are you up for the nurture challenge?
• Keep in mind, parenting a combination of troubled and typical children translates into "that’s not fair." Reduce the hard feelings on the part of your birth and/or previously adopted children by "starting a habit"and having regular family meetings. Typical kids, kept in the loop, tolerate parenting methods that seem biased toward their adopted brother or sister.
• Lastly, anger simply isn’t good for you or your children! Chronic anger contributes to heart disease, heart attack, prolonged stress, diabetes, more frequent colds, and a host of other health problems. Again, take care of yourself! Just like you hear on an airplane, "Put the oxygen mask on yourself first!"

Author Bio: Arleta James, MS, PCC, has been an adoption professional for a dozen years. She spent several years as a caseworker for the Pennsylvania Statewide Adoption Network placing foster children with adoptive families and then as the statewide Matching Specialist. She now works as a therapist providing services for attachment difficulties, childhood trauma and issues related to adoption. She was the 1999 Pensylvania Adoption Professional of the Year. She is currently on staff at the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio. Arleta’s website is: www.arletajames.com

Arleta is the author of: Brothers and Sisters in Adoption: Helping Children Navigate Relationships When New Kids Join the Family

NEW WEBINAR: Expectations vs. Realities: Parenting an Adopted Child with Special Needs

Thursday, January 17, 2013
7:00PM – 8:00PM  Central Time
Q&A: 8:00PM

Is your child emotionally acting much younger than their age?  Have special needs you weren’t expecting? Behaviors that resemble ADHD?

You are not alone.  These challenges are common for post- institutionalized children. Finding help, however, can be difficult.

Join us for a webinar featuring Martha Osborne, adopted person, adoptive mom and  founder of the largest special needs adoption advocacy website, RainbowKids.com. Martha will lead an “in the trenches” discussion on how parents can get connected and supported.

Learn how to build a plan to manage undiagnosed special needs. Consider new, outside the box suggestions on how to address unexpected cognitive and emotional delays. Understand how proactive parenting can help!

REGISTER

NC Infant/Young Child Mental Health Association Conference

Hopscotch staff attended the NC Infant/Young Child Mental Health Association Conference and Annual Meeting Exploring the Foundations of Parent-Child Relationships on November 9, 2012.

The conference was an invaluable experience, which we hope will translate into better support for our families, as you each navigate your way through parenting children that have experienced deprivation.

The guest speaker, Dr. Edward Tronic, presented his research, the Flat Face project.  Notably, children residing in institutional care, being cared for by mothers suffering from post partum depression or poor quality child care, are at high risk for developing mental health challenges and developmental delays.

Hopscotch continues to value ongoing training and as we learn, we will share with you too.

Dr. Ed Tronick, director of UMass Boston’s new Infant-Parent Mental Health Program and Distinguished Professor of Psychology, discusses the cognitive abilities of infants to read and react to their social surroundings. The video is an excerpt from Lovett Productions’ , HELPING BABIES FROM THE BENCH: USING THE SCIENCE OF EARLY CHILDHOOD IN COURT.

Using the “Still Face” Experiment, in which a mother denies her baby attention for a short period of time, Dr. Tronick describes how prolonged lack of attention can move an infant from good socialization, to periods of bad but repairable socialization. In “ugly” situations the child does not receive any chance to return to the good, and may become stuck.

Submissions Needed- Lessons Learned: Adoptive Parents Speak Out About Adoption

Call for Submissions–Parents with adopted sons/daughters over 18 years of age are invited to submit essays for a new anthology titled “Lessons Learned: Adoptive Parents Speak Out About Adoption.” The anthology will be published in summer 2013 by CQT Media, and is being edited by Maureen McCauley Evans.  Please see www.LightOfDayStories.com for further information.