3 Reasons Traditional Parenting Doesn’t Work with Kids from Trauma by Mike Berry

Source: http://www.rainbowkids.com

The following article was graciously shared, with permission, by Mike Berry from the blog Confessions of an Adoptive Parent.

feat_smIf you’ve parented a child from a traumatic past for any length of time, you already know that traditional parenting techniques do not work. But, have you ever stopped to consider why, or what you could do differently?

Kristin and I both grew up in traditional households, with parents who used traditional techniques in raising us both. There were rules and restrictions, guidelines and boundaries. And if said rules, restrictions, guidelines and boundaries were crossed, BAM, consequences were enforced. No questions asked. From all accounts, these techniques worked. We both grew up to be responsible adults who knew the difference between right and wrong. But, we also never endured significant trauma as children.

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Books on Toddler and Older Child Adoption for Adoptive Parents

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Source: https://creatingafamily.org

Toddler Adoption

Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best. Great information. The author was interviewed on the Creating a Family radio show.

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Adopting Older Children: A Practical Guide to Adopting and Parenting Children Over Age Four by Stephanie Bosco-Ruggiero, MA; Gloria Russo Wassell, MS, LMHC; and Victor Groza, PhD. – This is a wonderful resource full of practical and hopeful tips for parents who have adopted a child over age four from foster care or through international adoption. The adoption therapist authors do not gloss over potential problems, but they don’t exaggerate them either. Listen to our interview with them on the Creating a Family Radio Show- Parenting Older Adopted Kids: A Practical Guide.

Siblings in Adoption and Foster Care

Siblings in Adoption and Foster Care: Traumatic Separations and Honored Connections by Deborah N. Silverstein and Susan Livingston Smith – This book is a comprehensive resource on issues facing siblings during foster care or adoption – both biological and adopted.

Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child

Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child by Trish Maskew

Adopting the Older Child

Adopting the Older Child by Claudia L. Jewett- Written in 1979 but still relevant.

Adopting a Toddler: What Size Shoe Does She Wear?

Adopting a Toddler: What Size Shoes Does She Wear? by Denise Harris Hoppenhauer – Offers great insight and practical advice for those preparing to adopt a toddler.

Nurturing Adoptions

Nurturing Adoptions – Creating Resilience after Neglect and Trauma by Deborah Gray – Anything by Deborah Gray is great. On our show she said this book was primarily written for adoption professionals, but I think adoptive parents will find a lot of useful information as well.

The Connected Child

The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family by Karyn B. Purvis, David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine

Parenting Your Adopted Older Child

Parenting Your Adopted Older Child By Brenda McCreight – Good overview!

Another Place at the Table

Another Place at the Table by Kathy Harrison – I loved this book. It is the true life tale of one foster family and is very well written. I couldn’t put it down.

5 Tips for Parenting Harder to Parent Adopted Kids

Source: https://creatingafamily.org

By Dawn Davenport

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Sometimes parenting feels like we are soaring. Everything is clicking—we get the kids out the door in the morning without a major tantrum and we’re no more than 10 minutes late, we are eating semi-nutritious meals most days, and the little darlings are in bed with a minimum of fuss and teeth more or less brushed most nights.

Then there are times when it feels like we are slugging it out in the trenches. Often it is one particular child that puts us there. Perhaps this child was adopted at an older age after experiencing trauma, or maybe she has brain damage  caused by prenatal exposure to alcohol or drugs, or maybe this child’s temperament is a really poor match for yours. Whatever the reason, some kids are simply more challenging to parent.

When you are in the trenches it’s hard to see a way out. It’s at those times that you need some “quick” tips and tricks to help you cope. Read over these tips every week until you start to climb your way out of the parenting depths.

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The Past Is Present: The Impact of Your Childhood Experiences on How You Parent Today

Source: www.zerotothree.org

By Claire Lerner

Feb 29, 2016

This article encourages parents to reflect on experiences they had growing up in order to make conscious decisions about what practices they want to repeat, and not repeat, with their own children.

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1f8889c2-74a5-42b1-9bdf-b7bba002388e-smallHow many times have you opened your mouth to say something and heard your parents’ words come out? You’re not alone. Most parents have had this experience. It helps you see how deeply you are influenced by your childhood experiences and why it’s so important to become aware of how they shape your approach to parenting today.

Just as you are your child’s first teacher, your parents were yours. Things they said and did, their way of being and relating to you and others, laid the foundation for many of your beliefs, values, attitudes, and parenting practices. Few parents, if any, had a lesson plan in mind. The transfer of information mostly took place through everyday interactions. You tuned in to the subtle and not-so-subtle messages they sent, which influenced how you thought about yourself and the world around you.

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Decoding Your Child’s Behavior

decoding-2At some point all parents face behavioral challenges with their children. Adopted children have often had unfortunate experiences that may increase misbehavior and make traditional discipline techniques ineffective. Join Phyllis Booth, Founder of Theraplay®, and Mandy Jones, LCSW, JD, certified Theraplay® therapist at the Center for Lifelong Adoption Support, as they provide an empathetic understanding of why negative behaviors occur and discuss tools, techniques and activities that parents can use to tame temper tantrums and create positive relationships.

Topics will include:

  • Differences adopted children face in childhood and how that affects behavior
  • Behavioral and self-regulation issues both at home and in school
  • What parents can do to curb negative behaviors
  • How parents can create happy, connected family relationships

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The Kids who Need the Most Love Will Ask for it in the Most Unloving Ways by Katie Malinski

Source: http://katiemalinski.com

By Katie Malinski

kids-who-need-love-quote I snapped a picture of this quote on the wall at the Magellan International School the other day, and posted it on Facebook.  A week or so later, it had been shared by 68 people, and viewed by nearly 7000.  Obviously, this quote resonates for many of us.

One of the first things I tell most parents that I work with is that behavior is a communication, and that understanding the message in a child’s behavior is incredibly helpful for changing those behaviors.  To put it another way, something is behind or underneath unwanted behavior; triggering or motivating or strengthening it.  Those hidden drivers are usually unmet needs of some variety.  When parents can identify what those unmet needs are, they typically find that those underlying needs are needs they want to support.  In other words: the behaviors are unwanted, but the needs driving those behaviors are understandable!

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Heart of the Matters Website and Courses are Updated and Refreshed

October 2016

Course Spotlight: Because They Waited

 

 

  • Quality: 10 hours of Hague compatible education

  • Refreshed:  Renewed with updated resources

  • Convenient: Mobile access

The Because They Waited™ education system is online with modules covering topics pertinent to individuals adopting a baby or an older child, internationally or through foster care.  Modules present "The Science" in a user friendly format, followed by "The Parenting" which offers concrete parenting tools.   "Wrap Up and Resources" as well as study materials are also provided for each topic.
Topics covered include:
Promoting healthy brain development
Sensory processing and sensory integration
Parenting to a child’s "real age" vs. chronological age
Understanding the internal alarm
Building attachment
Race and Culture
 
Contact us at info@heartofthemattereducation.com for a copy of the table of contents for Because They Waited.
 
More quality adoption education

   

Heart of the Matter Education  816 246-1100
info@heartofthemattereducation.com
www.heartofthemattereducation.com

Watch Me Now: Determination, Grace, Unlimited Talent = Miss Lusie!

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I Love You More Than I Care If You "Like" Me

Apparently this mom has been eaves dropping in on my house – my kids have heard this exact same speech from the beginning of time. I love them more than to care if they ‘like’ me. This is great.

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The Promise: Truth From The Trenches of Adoption by Christen Shepherd and Lisa Highfield

Source:  www.lulu.com

product_thumbnail.php When Christen Shepherd adopted four children from foster care she jumped into the treacherous waters of raising traumatized children. Because of mammoth tantrums, explosive rages, destroyed rooms, and unending grief, the Shepherds enlisted the help of a Child and Youth Counsellor, Lisa Highfield. The Promise is a raw and compelling read. It offers insight into the behaviors of adopted and foster children, and gives hope to struggling parents who are at a loss after bringing wounded children into the family.

Learn more.

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